I’ve been meandering around blogs recently (horribly neglecting my reader. Frankly? I’m afraid to look at it anymore) and one of the rabbit holes I fell down led me to KCLAnderson’s blog post Revisiting Insanity.
Now if you know anything about me (and I may have kept this side of me neatly tucked away . . . or has it made itself known), insanity fascinates me. (My obsession with Poe make more sense now?) Craziness is my best friend. I say all of this because I feel like I dance on the top of the fence at the edge of insanity a good chunk of the time (despite the normal face I give the world. But isn’t it the truly insane who think they’re normal? I must be safe then).
But my craziness or lack-there-of is not why I started this post (but can you see why I end up the places I do? Now that you’ve gotten yet another peek into where my brain should be?). I started this post to discuss KCLAnderson’s post. Why? Because it gave me a lot to chew on. (Actually everything I read this morning has been deep. It must be a deep rabbit hole I was in. Get it . . . deep . . . hole . . . ha ha ha! Okay, back to your regularly scheduled programming.)
It gave me a lot to chew on because I’m starting to become slightly weight obsessed again. I’ve never been one to weigh myself everyday, much less all the time. However, that has changed in the past couple months. I seem to weigh myself everyday anymore. Sometimes multiple times a day. It’s gotten better recently, but still. This is odd. Not my normal (but then when you’re normal is turned on its head, what is normal?)
I tend to get that way when I start losing weight. Not when I’m gaining it back. Denial anyone?
But that’s not my point either.
As I read this I realized that what I failed to realize at the time was that the “insanity” had nothing to do (at least not directly) with what I was or wasn’t eating, but rather with the pattern in which I was stuck:
I am broken and need to fix myself.
If I could just figure out the magic formula and then stick to it forever, I’d lose weight and then I’d be happier.
It’s just a matter of controlling and restricting myself.
I’d been in this same pattern for so long and I’d held these same beliefs for so long and I yet expected different results.
I get this. Broken? Yea, I am. (My immune system doesn’t like my thyroid. I’d say I’m broken!) I’ve tried finding that magic formula . . . but part of me has given up on that. Is it really even out there? Maybe it is a matter of control and restriction!
I used to be REALLY good at control and restriction. Not so much anymore. (I wonder why that is? Did I have more self-control when I was younger? Or am I now older, wiser and realize that life is short so indulge in the chocolate?) I’m the girl who followed the Levitical diet for an entire year. (Minus actually having separate drawers/utensils for milk and meat. I living at home part of the year and with friends the rest of the year.) I did try to go vegetarian after that but stopped in March when I had bruises showing up (I am a klutz, but I don’t bruise easy). Admittedly with that . . . I was just eating crap and no meat. (Not a stand against vegetarians in any way shape or form.)
Where was I going with this . . . weight! Yes!
The major thing that stuck out to me with her post was, to be honest, the second point in the quoted section.
This would be where I get stuck. I’ve found my magic formula . . . I think. At least I found what makes my body happy and what makes me happy. Unfortunately, I seem to no longer be able to stick to anyone thing for any length of time. Paleo/primal eating? My body seemed VERY happy. I dropped body fat and some weight. I don’t recall how my thyroid responded though.
I am definitely feeling better eating gluten free. Though I do need to stop the popcorn. The microwavable popcorn that comes in the bag. So good, but it just sits in my stomach and comes to haunt me later.
Exercise wise I’m finding that while I still hate running. I’m getting better at it! I can almost run a whole minute without wanting to keel over! I prefer the intensive work-out of a yoga class though. (Or if you’re in Richmond, come by on Monday’s to Yoga Flow at AFF on Midlothian. Yeesh Chrissie!)